You give me hives

Toxic partners in a romantic relationship. We all have a type that is toxic to us. It's like an allergy. For some of us, peanuts are toxic, for others a liberal dose of penicillin; ah-hem, I puke from that. What we are allergic to and what our bodies find toxic are different for all of us. Much like what qualities make a man/woman toxic to one person are different from those that are toxic to another person. For me the level of toxicity is extremely high in men with the following two ingredients: Aloofness and Elusiveness.

For anyone who knows me, I possess neither (at least in high quantities). This is probably why I am so drawn to these qualities, but eck why? What even sounds remotely inviting about someone who is aloof and elusive? I look back to the time I was a sophomore in high school and every boyfriend I have had since then has been packed to the brim with these two ingredients. The older I get, the more concentrated these ingredients become in the men I pursue. This also explains why I have been single for 3 years. This always explains why I haven't been in a stable and satisfying relationship in 10 years.

I turn 28 on Monday. I am not freaking out about being single. Matter of fact a whole smorgasbord of successful, hot, charming men was just thrown in my face this week thanks to my latest career endeavour, so no need to panic and scream "where are the men?!" And actually, as of late, my entire focus has been on my personal interests, goals and deeply valued relationships with friends and family. However, my subconscious is not as serene as the awake me.

Last night I spent some quality time with a girlfriend of mine just chillin on her couch and chatting. As young, single ladies we have to throw in the standard question when catching up..."so any updates on [insert boy name here]?" So I dive into, "no not really. Just the same old text, phone call here. We meet up if we both are out but that's the extent. I don't look at him as boyfriend material, but even with these low expectations he is struggling to meet them. Which is a shame because he is soooo hot and sexy to me. Must be that aloof, tortured artist thing. You know I love a good, cold fish. Oh, well."

So as I leave her place and walk down the tree-lined sidewalks in the West Village I start feeling bad about my behavior. Why am I putting energy into Mr. Slit-My-Wrists? He is more of the same, just in a hotter package. Come on, don't do this again.....you know better. You said you wanted someone that was Mr. Jokester, outgoing, not uptight or overly-sensitive. What are you doing......?

So let that dialogue fester in your brain for the next 20 minutes as you ride the subway home. You are feeling pretty crappy about yourself. Why do we do this to ourselves when other people do just a fine job making you feel crappy about yourself. Do you really need more of it? I think not. Tell that annoying person in your head to shut up. Now it's time to go to bed. You've thoroughly enjoyed a recent issue of US Weekly and you are not chastising yourself anymore. Why should you anyway, you have your sister to do that for you.

I pass into sleep and now I encounter one of my favorite exes of all time! He just loves making random appearance in both my dreams and in real life. He is pretty good at that and oh-so-annoying when he does. If I were to sum up the feelings I have regarding the last days of our relationship it would be anxiety, rejection, claustrophobia. Lovely I know. With those endearing neuroses in hand, I greet the day with a serious dose of crappy emotions thanks to my subconscious sleepover with Mr. Ex-boyfriend. I just love reliving those feelings!

I feel a little irritated and bummed as I head to work. I was hoping all of this would pass by now. Thankfully I am greeted by friendly and good-looking co-workers who do get me out of that isolating funk. But I do think it is best to heed the annoying lecture I received from my subconscious. Especially with a fun-filled birthday weekend coming up. I can not have more of the same raining on my parade. Here's to finding you Brad, the ever-loving, social butterfly that you are!

Now I ask you - what is or has been your toxic ingredient? And as for the celebrity pics? Even if the guys weren't right for me I do want to respect their privacy so I pulled these pics to represent them. At one point, while watching the following movies (The Last Kiss, Atonement and Romeo and Juliet) the actor's performance and/or appearance reminded me of an old flame. Some of you can probably guess who is who..... ;)